For sale – NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra. BONUS – free hammer pants.
> NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra – $12900 (Ronan / Lake County)
> Date: 2008-11-19, 10:04PM MST
> OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for
> purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was
> possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow,
> this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
> It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that
> adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It
> wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No,
> that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re
> looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I
> mean it. Just stop.
> This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the
> highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats
> death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy
> boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost),
> heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt),
> or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).
> No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super
> action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s
> got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid
> kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of
> whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite
> down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an
> automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists,
> you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and
> drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.
> It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to
> the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch
> to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also
> just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by
> The Man.
> My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll
> entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up
> and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a
> Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered
> eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the
> prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
> There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet
> Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will
> carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
> Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged,
> no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double,
> then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just
> chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do,
> we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen
> to Johnny Cash.
> To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer
> pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular
> pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.